So, as all 6 of my devoted readers know,  my wife and I are going to have a baby in March. Actually, only she is having the baby.  This simple fact is perhaps the main reason that I am glad to belong to the male gender.  The other is that it is not a pre-requisite that I love the original 90210, or that I still hold a special place in my heart for Jordan Knight.  She is 6 months pregnant, so I have had plenty of time to be exposed to the craziness that is the expectant parents market. This market has been there all along, but understandably so, it was not on my radar until this past June, when we found out the news.  Now I am being exposed to the wonderful world of onesies and medieval pumps.

So the baby my wife is incubating is one of the female variety.  So my world is about to get a lot pinker.  It’s no wonder many girls hate pink when they are older: it’s because their world must be absolutely saturated with it when they are young.  Pink outfits? check. Pink nursery? check. Pink toys? check. Spraypainted pink baby? check.  Then they grow to hate the color, a feeling that wears off right about the time they are ready to have a child of their own. Then the vicious cycle starts again.

As I passed by the diaper section of the local Target, I started thinking about why you can’t have more options with your children.  When you buy a car, you get to decide the color, the additional features you are willing to spring for, and what you can live without. Now, I’m not suggesting we should manipulate nature in such a way that we can determine hair color, IQ, or taste in music. Well, maybe that last one would be pretty cool.  But you get my point. However, one idea that I stole from the lottery seems ingenious to me. When you win the lottery, you get the option of getting checks for the rest of your life, or getting paid in a lump sum, which of course is lower than you would get originally, cause of taxes.  When it comes to the diaper business, seems like you are locked into getting “payments” for the duration of your child’s diaper life.  See where I am going with this? Yeah, so did my wife. She said I was disgusting.  What some people call disgusting, others (ie-me) call brilliant. Sure, I’d have to figure out a location for the “lump sum”, but wouldn’t you rather deal with that all at once and get it over with? I rest my case.

It’s ideas like these, among others, that perhaps explain why moms are so essential.  What’s a sarcastic, absurdist dad-to-be to do? Keep a list of all his brilliant ideas in a fireproof safe, that only he knows the combination to.  When he is away from home, he will keep it buried in the crawlspace, and every day will retrieve it, under the guise of doing “work” under the house.  In case of an emergency, he will keep a note in his wallet detailing the whereabouts of this safe, in the hopes of securing financial security for his family.  Then, when the timing is right, he will write a book that includes all of his brilliant ideas, which will sell millions of copies, and land him a job writing skits for Saturday Night Live, and hanging out with all the musical guests. That’s what he can do.

I’m not afraid to admit it: I like the movie “Dirty Dancing”.  Always have, since the first time I saw it. Didn’t see it in the theater, but did see it on the old glorious VCR eventually.  In fact, my family bought our copy from Kroger, who must have swindled us: the sound was all muffled, like it was a copy of a copy (can’t you give me a decent copy, For Goodness Sake?)  Now many would claim this to be the ultimate chick flick.  Perhaps they are right.  But that doesn’t nullify all the good points that my world weary, sentimental pre-teen eyes enjoyed. First, it has great music. Yes, I know the soundtrack featured “She’s like the Wind”, but we here at Random Ramblings have a standing rule not to slander songs by recently deceased actors, no matter how mediocre the song may be (Rest in Peace, Bodhi).

Second, it’s set in the past, so it has the whole nostalgia factor.  Third, the central theme is breaking away from authority figures, so there’s the whole independent, coming of age vibe, which was/is right up my alley (I know, you are shocked, hearing that from a professed Wonder Years fan).  And finally, at least ¾’s of the entire world’s population has at some point uttered those famous words: “No one puts Baby in the corner”.  Even if there was no actual baby or corner in the vicinity.

However, for all it’s greatness, there is always once scene that has stuck out like a sore thumb to me.  And after recently watching the end of the movie again, I had to break out of my silence, and voice my concerns to all 3 of you that may read this column.  At the end of the movie, after Johnny has already left, there is the end of the summer recital.  They are singing that dreadful Kellerman’s song with the chorus “Join hands and hearts and voices, voices hearts and hands”.  Baby’s sister is for some inexplicable reason letting anyone other than herself and God hear her atrocious singing voice.  And yes, Baby is in the aforementioned corner.

Now, forget all that comes when Johnny arrives unexpectedly.  Yeah yeah, he gets Baby, and they dance (to a song that came out in the 80’s but somehow is passed off as a 60’s song).  Forget that Baby’s dad seems angry at Johnny, even though he already knows he did not get Penny pregnant.  And forget that the band is somehow shown playing along to the song, even though we already saw Johnny’s friend put on a record (sure, the horns can add on their parts, but the drummer? The guy conducting?). The weirdest moment of the whole movie comes when Max Kellerman is lamenting about the possible end of his resort.  “Trips to Europe, that’s what the kids want…22 countries in 3 days…it just seems like it’s all slipping away”.  To quote Liz Lemon, what the what?  Why would they make him a minor character for the majority of the movie (and one that seems bitter and stubborn when it comes to Swayze’s character) and then show a tender moment from him. Did Max Kellerman play a bigger part in the original script? Was he supposed to get Baby in the end in the first draft? Were there plans for a Max Kellerman spin off that never got past the development stage? Sadly, there have been no answers to all these burning questions.  The thirst for a romantic comedy starring an overweight, bald,  out of business family resort owner yearning for the “good ole days” still remains unquenched.  C’mon, Hollywood.  Help us out.

Seems the latest fashion is to combine your individual strengths to form one massive monolith of destruction.  Case in point: Them Crooked Vultures.  I, along with many rock fans, am salivating at the prospect of Dave Grohl (Nirvana/Foo Fighters) on drums, John Paul Jones (Led Zeppelin) on bass, and Josh Homme (Queens of the Stone Age) on vocals/guitar. Their debut album comes out November 17th, and from the snippets posted online, should be a monster.

Their idea is not of course a new one in the world of rock.  The list of supergroups is long. Some examples: Cream, Temple of the Dog (witness the latest “reunion” of them live), Damn Yankees, Velvet Revolver, The Traveling Wilburys, Nelson (both Nelson brothers in the same band? I can’t live without your love and affection indeed. Plus, any group that includes a mystical Native American in their video is in my book super).

In the Random Ramblings universe, we believe this should move to all areas of life. Why should it be limited to just music? The Transformers were way ahead of their time with this.  The Constructicons should be in the Supergroup Hall of Fame. Who is better-Nelson or Devastator? Tough call.  But either way, we the fans win.

So here are the 5 supergroups we would most like to see.  Start your petitions now.

Coming of Age characters supergroup: Kevin Arnold (The Wonder Years),  Alex P. Keaton (Family Ties), Angela Chase (My So Called Life), Troy (Reality Bites), Charlie (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

These characters represent all that is blissful, confusing, and overwhelming about growing up.  Alex P. Keaton gets the nod for his heartwrenching episode with Ellen (Billy Vera and the Beaters, anyone?), Angela for her blindness to Brian Krakow’s affection, Troy for his ability to feel he is owed a Snickers, and Charlie for his love of music. And Kevin Arnold-for every single thought he ever let us hear.

Saturday Night Live supergroup: Phil Hartman, Will Ferrell, Dana Carvey, Jack Handey, Chris Farley, Kevin Nealon, Mike Myers.

Two many awesome characters to list them all.  But here are some: Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, Harry Carey, the “Chopping Broccoli” singer, Gap girl (I’M STARVING), Mr. Subliminal, and Phillip the Hyper Hypo.  And Jack Handey-for every single thought he ever let us hear.

80’s action movie bad guys supergroup: Predator, Ivan Drago (Rocky IV), Master Control Program (Tron), Colonel Bella (Red Dawn), Killian (The Running Man)

Alone they are all able to be defeated. But with their forces combined, you would be shot with a laser while taking a devastating punch to the face, while being taunted by a massive electronic face, while being taken to Cuba, all televised on a futuristic game show. Or some variation on that.

Imaginary Rock Band Supergroup: Jimmy Chamberlain, drums; Chris Cornell, vocals; Paul McCartney, bass; Jeff Buckley; Jimmy Page

Two clarifications: yes Jeff Buckley is dead, but we’re dreaming here, so it’s ok.  Also, McCartney does kind of stick out like a sore thumb here, but imagine his inventive bass lines mix with the aggressive drumming of Chamberlain, the shrieking of Cornell, and the inventive guitar attack of Buckley and Page.  My head would explode.

Fast Food Supergroup: The Colonel, Wendy, Hamburglar, Captain D

Recipe for Awesome Pie: the biscuits from KFC, fries from Wendy’s, and the breading from Captain D’s fish (not sure what the Hamburglar’s role is in all this, but he could just stand around and giggle while you make it). Ok, that sounds disgusting.  But much like how I felt about Krystals back in the day when I could still stomach it: don’t look at it. Just eat it.

It’s hard to believe that Backspacer is Pearl Jam’s 9^th album.  Even weirder is that they’ve been in the cultural consciousness for 18 years.  7 more years and they’ll be eligible for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. All of these things show their age, unlike the new album.  Critics are all repeating the same mantra: that this is their punkiest album yet. And they are mostly right (although I would argue that Vitalogy is up there as well).  They also are pointing out the brevity: at 36 minutes it is obvious on first listen that this is an album trimmed of all fat. I’m sure there are some great songs that didn’t make the cut, but the album is stronger as a result.  Short and punchy and to the point.

I am not sure why I continue to allow myself to get annoyed with some of the reviews in Rolling Stone.  Rob Sheffield wrote the review for Backspacer, and it’s a good review, with one major exception (It should be noted that Rob Sheffield was incapable for writing about a band for a few years without “cleverly” using some of their lyrics in an ironic (ie-stupid/lazy/boring) way. Case in point: Pearl Jam are still alive; Eddie Vedder’s thoughts arrive like butterflies; The band’s albums have all been washed in black, tattooed everything, etc…no, Rob, you cannot use those). Anyway, Mr. Sheffield’s major offense in the review was calling “Spin the Black Circle” off of Vitalogy filler. He claims that people were usually skipping those kind of songs to get to the latest torch song by the band.  While they very well may have skipped said songs, they were hardly filler.  I didn’t have the chance to see Pearl Jam on their tours for Ten or Vs, but I’ve seen enough footage to know they were a very kinetic live band, and that frenzy did show up on the recordings.  Their punky side showed up in songs like “Porch”, “Blood”, “Whipping”, “Brain of J”, “Do the Evolution”, etc.  None of these songs would be what Pearl Jam fans consider “filler”.  Stale references to lyrics and pop culture are a better definition, I think.

But I am not writing to slag on Rob Sheffield (I actually enjoy some of his writing, when he’s not trying to be too cute). I’m writing to celebrate Pearl Jam, and their longevity.  As I write this, I’m listening to the first of 2 concert downloads that came free with the purchase of the new album. It’s touches like this that really make Pearl Jam seem for the fans, by the fans. It’s well documented that Eddie Vedder pretty much had an obsession with The Who while he was growing up.  He has gone to great lengths over the years to prove he is just a fan like the rest of us. I’ll do without quoting a particularly curt line from “Satan’s Bed” off of Vitalogy that proves this. Instead, I’ll mention that on the new album there are a couple of songs where he mentions just being a human being. And after all these years, it seems to me that he and his bandmates have won the benefit of the doubt. No, they aren’t as big as they used to be. But just like Elton John in probably the most flamboyant video of the 80’s, they are still standing after all this time.  See, now I’ve fallen into the Sheffield trap. At least I dragged another artist into it, though.

Watch the goliath eat a small exiled snack

First, let me apologize for the long delay. My hobby (teaching/coaching) has taken away from my day job (blogging).  Can’t say it won’t happen again, but hopefully the break will not be a month plus next time.

The Beatles are big again. Not that they ever really went away. But with the whole catalog being remastered, and Beatles: Rock Band being released, they are back in the news.  You know who hates this more than anyone else: The Rolling Stones.  Yes, the eternal debate is always Beatles vs. Stones, with the Beatles seemingly more universally regarded as the most popular/influential/best band in the history of music.  There are those sad, mistaken souls who somehow think the Rolling Stones were more influential, and more popular. And true, the fact that they have been able to continue to put out albums and tour does skew the perception a bit (some would say it dampens their legacy, but that is another debate).  But how can you argue against all that the Fab Four squeezed into the years 1962-1970?

The Beatles juggernaut continues to march on. In the words of Yogurt from Spaceballs, “Merchandizing, merchandizing, merchandizing!”. Now, I don’t think we will be seeing Beatles toilet paper or flamethrowers anytime soon (although I do plan on start an online petition when I finish writing this). But since they are now branching out into video games, it is opening them up to a brand new audience.  The Stones, on the other hand, are left to pick up the scraps, grasping for whatever they can grab.  Perhaps they are in talks with Leapfrog to come out with a Rolling Stones themed game for small children (Hey kids! Count the pills in Keith’s hand!).

I will admit that the Rolling Stones put out some great music.  And I was late to recognize that, beyond the obvious hits such as Jumping Jack Flash and Satisfaction.  But can someone please teach them a bridge? Maybe it is just me, but I think Paint it Black would be ten times better if there was some middle eight to break up the verses and chorus.  Instead, they get a verse, insert chorus, and repeat 3-4 times, and voila.  This works to perfection on songs like Tumbling Dice, which has a nice coda to break up things.  Also on Honky Tonk Woman (I often find myself wishing the intro cowbell and drumbeat lasted for 4 minutes and was the actual song-that may be my favorite moment of all their music).  But when it is repeated so much throughout their catalog, then the music dominance of the Beatles becomes crystal clear.

So, sorry Mick and Keith.  You will always play second fiddle to the lads from Liverpool.  Just as hamburgers will always  be better than hot dogs, dogs will always be cooler than cats, and Star Wars will always be vastly superior to Star Trek, you too must assume your rightful position, next to the throne you will never inherit.  Unless of course you outlive all other humans, in which case, the crown is yours for the taking.

Having the summers off lends itself to some quality time with various cinematic gems.  So I’ve had myself on a steady diet of knocking out those movies that I’ve never gotten around to watching. When seemingly unrelated bits of cinema info clatter around in my brain, there is no choice but to collect them all into a tasty dish movie casserole. So dig in, but be warned: our health rating is not posted.

While listening to the B.S. report podcast 2 weeks ago, I heard Bill Simmons’  astute observation that Tim Lincecum, a pitcher for the San Francisco Giants, looks a lot like Mitch Kramer (played by Wiley Wiggins) in the classic movie “Dazed and Confused”.  I believe this is grounds to go ahead and give him the Cy Young right now.

I recently watched “North Shore” for the first time.  Having been to Hawaii this summer, the thought was that viewing this movie would be fun, since I’ve been to the North Shore. What I did not expect was a lecture series disguised as a movie.  Most action movie feature dialogue only has little as possible in order to get back to things being blown up, killed, or jumped off of. This movie kept coming back to informing the viewer about all things surfing and Hawaii. Don’t know about how a surf board is cut? Let me show you. Want to know how the ancient Hawaiians viewed the ocean? How about the customs of the locals? how to become one with the ocean? This movie has to be Bodhi’s favorite.

Watched “Misery” again.  Yep, Annie Wilkes is still maybe the craziest character in the last 20 years.  If I was a popular author and anyone claimed to be my #1 fan, I would immediately get a restraining order, reinforce my house with steel, and roll around in a bulletproof bubble for the rest of my life. A little extreme, but also effective.

I had never seen “A Few Good Men” until the last week. Must say I was underwhelmed.  Tom Cruise’s performance was dialed in straight from the “hey, look at me, I’m acting!” school of drama.  And there had to be a sitcom writer helping out. That scene where Demi Moore comes back to the door and Cruise thinks she is going to say she is falling for him, but she just tells him to wear matching socks? That would not have been out of place on “Alf” or any other cheesy sitcom from the 80’s or 90’s.  But the confrontation between Cruise and Nicholson made the whole movie worth it. Jack plays an exceptional pompous jerk, and Cruise saves the day. 

And last but not least: caught the last 30 minutes of “Wayne’s World” tonight. Definitely takes the prize of “Best SNL Skit Movie” (it was tough, going up against ”It’s Pat!” and “Stuart Smalley Saves His Family”).  and I’m at a loss as to why Alice Cooper did not get an Oscar nod. Can they create an Academy Award category for best cameo?

First, there must be full disclosure. For all these years (1) now, you have been led to believe that Random Ramblings is a fully staffed internet endeavor, with multiple revenue streams going towards travel, clients, interpretive dance classes, billboard promotion, etc.  However, we (I) cannot live the lie anymore. There is only one member/CEO/Editor in Chief of Random Ramblings.  If there is ever a “we” where an “I” should be in the future, it is just self-denial creeping in. Feel free to virtually slap me in the face.  I just felt like your reading experience would be heightened by the new sense of honesty that you would feel by hearing this admission (in the great words of Marky Mark, “Feel it, feel it“). If you find yourself feeling extremely disillusioned and wanting a refund, feel free to seek out that money by whatever means necessary (extreme force, if warranted).  We will release our office location later (ie-never).

Today I viewed the cinematic goodness that is “Point Break“.  This gem from 1991 has everything you could ask for in a movie.  Keanu Reeves, surfing, Keanu Reeves using surf speak (insert obvious “how is that different from any other movie” joke here), Patrick Swayze, and no embarrassing Patrick Swayze songs on the soundtrack. Speaking of the soundtrack, there is an excellent song by Wire Train called “I Will Not Fall” that is prominently featured during a scene where Keanu Reeves’ character, Johnny Utah, is indeed trying not to fall off his surfboard. Kudos to the screenwriter for that tidbit of cleverness!)

Ok, so the movie is a bit over the top. But I still love it.  I saw it in the theater multiple times and it still holds up for that part of me that likes brainless action movies. And truth be told, it isn’t as brainless as most of Michael Bay/Jerry Bruckheimer’s swill. But is hard not to smirk when Bodhi, played subtly by Swayze, tells Utah that the secret to catching a wave is to “harness it’s energy and react to it”. or when Utah and his partner, Pappas (Busey) engage in various high fives and comraderie building yelling.

So it was with much happiness that I recently discovered that there is such a thing as “Point Break Live”.  This is a live production that is mostly performed out in California (road trip, anyone).  They pick a person out of the audience to perform the role of Utah, and they take care of the rest.  How this has escaped the notice of Broadway and the Tony Awards is beyond me.  But I’m going to go ahead and say, without having actually seen this, that this is the best idea in the history of live performance. Because even as I watched the movie as a 14 year old, I knew there was a dimension that was missing. “Sure,” I thought, “The ocean plays a big part in the movie, and Anthony Kiedis has his foot shot in it, but wouldn’t it just be that much more meaningful to see this performed as a magical live drama?”.  I didn’t have the resources or the daring to pull it off then, but thank God that someone did.  I’m still pulling for them to do a nationwide tour, but if not, I may have to make a special trip out to Cali.

In summary, perhaps the biggest lesson I’ve learned a lot from my multiple viewings of this movie is that 100% pure adrenaline, while intoxicating, usually results in your downfall. Try to get it cut down to like 75% pure adrenaline, and you should be ok.

So we know that Random Ramblings is a little late on the whole Michael Jackson eulogy thing. But we wanted to dust to settle, instead of having a knee jerk reaction to his death(last week you would have thought he simultaneously cured Cancer, AIDS, found Jimmy Hoffa, and brought together Kanye West and George Bush).

We will spare you us waxing poetic for paragraph upon paragraph about what the music meant/means to us. But just for the record: we believe he was an amazing artist, who made awesome music (Billie Jean and Remember the Time are two of our favorites), and who also had a very troubled and sad personal life.  There, now that we’ve got that out of the way, we can focus on what is really important: the liner notes to HIStory.

Yes, over the weekend we too immersed ourselves in the catalogue of the King of Pop (remember, he anointed himself with that title.  I have since proclaimed myself the King of Cheddar, candles, and grass).  And while looking through the greatest hits package of 1995, the long winded letter that Elizabeth Taylor wrote stuck out like a crazy, wacked out, smoking crack rock sore thumb. So we bring to you the greatest hits of Elizabeth Taylor’s rambling letter to MJ.

Quote #1: “I think Michael is like litmus paper. He is always trying to learn. He has one of the sharpest wits, he is intelligent, and he is cunning-that is a strange word to use about him, because it implies deviousness and he is one of the least devious people I have ever met in my life”.

First, I’m not sure litmus paper is trying to learn. I think it is subjected, against its will, to the wiles of mad scientists and reluctant science students the world over. In fact, if MJ were still alive, he would no doubt organize a charity single to help fight the oppression of litmus paper. Then there is her  stream of conciousness comment about him being cunning.  Did someone tell her that this statement was being mass produced and that millions of people over the world would be reading it? Or did they just hand her some construction paper and crayons and tell her to “write and draw what you feel“. Later, she goes on to call him shrewd, another highly flattering adjective.

Quote #2: “He is not really of this planet…I think he is one of the finest people to hit this planet”. These two statements seems to be at odds with one another.  Unless “hit this planet” is slang for aliens to come to earth.  And unless aliens calls themselves people too.

Quote #3: “When I hear the name Michael Jackson, I think of brilliance, of dazzling stars, lasers, and deep emotions”. This statement might seem a little weird. Especially the “lasers” part. But it makes more sense when you analyze some of her other responses to celebrities.  When asked what she thought of when she heard the name “Harrison Ford”, Taylor responded “I think of snakes, italian sausage, lasers, rottweilers, funhouse mirrors, lasers, rope swings, lasers, and lasers”.  f

Quote #4: “I think he is one of the world’s biggest and greatest stars, and it just so happens that is one of the most gifted music makers the world has ever known”.  Ok, Liz, this is just crazy talk.  You make it sound like these two things are mutually exclusive.  Oh, he’s a huge star, and just happens to make great music. Well, isn’t he a big star because of his music? It wasn’t like the world loved him because of his chimp and glove, and then accidentally discovered his catalog of music.

To be fair, word on the street is that Taylor has been downing bottle after bottle of “White Diamonds” for quite some time in order to get rid of excess stock, so that might explain some of this.  At least her insides smell pleasant.

While driving down the highway one day this summer, I noticed an ambulance with the words “Indecent Response Unit” printed on the side.  I looked away, then quickly glanced back to realize that I had misread it, and that it actually said “Incident Response Unit”.  I must admit, I was dismayed. Sure, an Incident Response Unit is all the things you might guess: appropriate, helpful, beneficial, etc.  But wouldn’t life be more interesting with an Indecent Response Unit? Allow me to explain. 

You are rushing to the grocery store to buy some much needed supplies (ie: nachos) for an important meeting (ie: watching “Escape to Chimp Eden”).  You get said supplies, hurry to your car, and discover to your horror that you have locked your keys in your car.  An observant passerby notices this, and astutely calls the Indecent Response Unit. They quickly dispatch someone to assist you in your dilemma. 

You pace back and forth, counting down the minutes until you will miss how Joel is about to get his fingers eaten by a primate, when suddenly, the I.R.U. arrives.  They get out of their vehicle, ask you to explain the situation, and then proceed to berate you mercilessly for your stupidity.  They may or  may not spit on your shoes or kick dust in your general direction (depends on the experience of the I.R.T. (Indecent Response Technician).  But before they leave, you can rest assured that they will have behaved in an entirely inappropriate and degrading way.  Their job has been completed thoroughly and effectively. 

Never lock your keys in your car? They are available for all kinds of situations, such as (but not limited to):

*children who have skinned their knees (to “lecture them” into never losing their balance again) 

*dogs who have chewed up your shoes (can dress up as a large vacuum cleaner or any other appliance your dog despises, complete with realistic sounds, and chase them)

*whenever you misspell a word (they can follow you around, screaming the correct spelling at you through a megaphone. A variety of hours are available)

*weddings (to stop the ceremony to proclaim all the tacky things in it, including the couple’s inclusion of a song by Miami Sound Machine at the reception. They’ll also fall on the ground laughing at the person who thinks they can dance but really looks like an electrocuted kangaroo)

If interested, please submit your resumes in the comments section of this website.  Looking for all who feel like they have a natural affinity for indecent responses. We can help mold your special gift into something more powerful than you ever imagined.

While at a wedding recently, someone (I honestly can’t remember who, or I’d give them credit. Lets just say it was me) came up with a great idea for a reality show: Secret Marriage. A minister could secretly marry two people, animals, inanimate objects, etc and then the audience could see what hijinks ensue after they find out. Sounds good, right? Maybe there is a future for me in the TV biz. 

So with this feather in my cap (don’t worry, I’ll give the other people who may have actually “thought up” this idea some small cut of royalties), I set about thinking of other ideas that would work.  One catch: I knew I had to somehow incorporate that one thing which makes every situation funny. Yes, I am speaking again of chimps. I have mentioned before how anything that chimps do is hilarious, and how this has been scientifically proven.  So with that in mind, I present the top 5 current reality shows that would benefit from spinning off into all chimp versions.

In no particular order:

1. The Bachelor/Bachelorette: Yes, the original version of this show is ludicrous enough to suggest you can pick a mate by spending 6 weeks with them while they compete against 24 other ambitious/desperate souls. Some of the moral ambiguity might be taken out if it was one male chimp trying to find his perfect mate out of 25 beautiful, single chimpanzees.  Sure, in the end he might choose all 25 of them. His form of flirting might be to dive-bomb them from a tree.  The challenges might involve some form of destroying various sets and occasionally biting a human. But it would all make for fascinating tv, and possibly, a match made in heaven.

2. The Biggest Loser-what is sadder than an overweight, unhappy human? That’s right, an overweight, unhappy chimp! Unable to run around to throw fruit/feces at others. Unable to swing from limbs.  Something must be done. Wait til Bob and Jillian, the psycho trainers, get a hold of Bobo, the unmotivated chimp who is always looking for the easy way out (and a banana, or 50). The tension will be greater than the regular version of the show, for the simple fact that when the trainers yell at the contestants, the contestants might rip their arms off and beat them about the head with them.

3. American Idol-If the human auditions are cringe worthy, then imagine what kind of atrocious sounds you’ll get when you put a mic in a chimp’s hands. Sure, for every 5 chimps, there will be at least 2 or 3 that can skillfully carry a tune.  But those remaining 2-3 will inevitably warble out some horrible rendition of “My Heart Will Go On”, or even worse, just scream uncontrollably for a minute straight, until they have to be escorted out of the room.

4.  The Apprentice-I want to see chimps try to open a hat boutique in Times Square. I want to see chimps going on a Scavenger Hunt through lower Manhattan. I want to see chimps running amok through the Financial District. Make it happen, Donald Trump.

5. Top Chef- Sure, chimps can make us laugh. But can they cook a delicious gourmet meal without using fruits or vegetables? Can they delicately arouse the palate of the notoriously picky judges? Can they get along with each other in the house, as they deal with the stereotypical cast: the arrogant, off putting chimp; the chimp with the fauxhawk; the gay chimp; the naive, in over his head chimp.  Which chimp will Padma favor the most?