The Random Ramblings Observance of the Death of Michael Jackson

So we know that Random Ramblings is a little late on the whole Michael Jackson eulogy thing. But we wanted to dust to settle, instead of having a knee jerk reaction to his death(last week you would have thought he simultaneously cured Cancer, AIDS, found Jimmy Hoffa, and brought together Kanye West and George Bush).

We will spare you us waxing poetic for paragraph upon paragraph about what the music meant/means to us. But just for the record: we believe he was an amazing artist, who made awesome music (Billie Jean and Remember the Time are two of our favorites), and who also had a very troubled and sad personal life.  There, now that we’ve got that out of the way, we can focus on what is really important: the liner notes to HIStory.

Yes, over the weekend we too immersed ourselves in the catalogue of the King of Pop (remember, he anointed himself with that title.  I have since proclaimed myself the King of Cheddar, candles, and grass).  And while looking through the greatest hits package of 1995, the long winded letter that Elizabeth Taylor wrote stuck out like a crazy, wacked out, smoking crack rock sore thumb. So we bring to you the greatest hits of Elizabeth Taylor’s rambling letter to MJ.

Quote #1: “I think Michael is like litmus paper. He is always trying to learn. He has one of the sharpest wits, he is intelligent, and he is cunning-that is a strange word to use about him, because it implies deviousness and he is one of the least devious people I have ever met in my life”.

First, I’m not sure litmus paper is trying to learn. I think it is subjected, against its will, to the wiles of mad scientists and reluctant science students the world over. In fact, if MJ were still alive, he would no doubt organize a charity single to help fight the oppression of litmus paper. Then there is her  stream of conciousness comment about him being cunning.  Did someone tell her that this statement was being mass produced and that millions of people over the world would be reading it? Or did they just hand her some construction paper and crayons and tell her to “write and draw what you feel“. Later, she goes on to call him shrewd, another highly flattering adjective.

Quote #2: “He is not really of this planet…I think he is one of the finest people to hit this planet”. These two statements seems to be at odds with one another.  Unless “hit this planet” is slang for aliens to come to earth.  And unless aliens calls themselves people too.

Quote #3: “When I hear the name Michael Jackson, I think of brilliance, of dazzling stars, lasers, and deep emotions”. This statement might seem a little weird. Especially the “lasers” part. But it makes more sense when you analyze some of her other responses to celebrities.  When asked what she thought of when she heard the name “Harrison Ford”, Taylor responded “I think of snakes, italian sausage, lasers, rottweilers, funhouse mirrors, lasers, rope swings, lasers, and lasers”.  f

Quote #4: “I think he is one of the world’s biggest and greatest stars, and it just so happens that is one of the most gifted music makers the world has ever known”.  Ok, Liz, this is just crazy talk.  You make it sound like these two things are mutually exclusive.  Oh, he’s a huge star, and just happens to make great music. Well, isn’t he a big star because of his music? It wasn’t like the world loved him because of his chimp and glove, and then accidentally discovered his catalog of music.

To be fair, word on the street is that Taylor has been downing bottle after bottle of “White Diamonds” for quite some time in order to get rid of excess stock, so that might explain some of this.  At least her insides smell pleasant.