Indecent Response Unit

 

While driving down the highway one day this summer, I noticed an ambulance with the words “Indecent Response Unit” printed on the side.  I looked away, then quickly glanced back to realize that I had misread it, and that it actually said “Incident Response Unit”.  I must admit, I was dismayed. Sure, an Incident Response Unit is all the things you might guess: appropriate, helpful, beneficial, etc.  But wouldn’t life be more interesting with an Indecent Response Unit? Allow me to explain. 

You are rushing to the grocery store to buy some much needed supplies (ie: nachos) for an important meeting (ie: watching “Escape to Chimp Eden”).  You get said supplies, hurry to your car, and discover to your horror that you have locked your keys in your car.  An observant passerby notices this, and astutely calls the Indecent Response Unit. They quickly dispatch someone to assist you in your dilemma. 

You pace back and forth, counting down the minutes until you will miss how Joel is about to get his fingers eaten by a primate, when suddenly, the I.R.U. arrives.  They get out of their vehicle, ask you to explain the situation, and then proceed to berate you mercilessly for your stupidity.  They may or  may not spit on your shoes or kick dust in your general direction (depends on the experience of the I.R.T. (Indecent Response Technician).  But before they leave, you can rest assured that they will have behaved in an entirely inappropriate and degrading way.  Their job has been completed thoroughly and effectively. 

Never lock your keys in your car? They are available for all kinds of situations, such as (but not limited to):

*children who have skinned their knees (to “lecture them” into never losing their balance again) 

*dogs who have chewed up your shoes (can dress up as a large vacuum cleaner or any other appliance your dog despises, complete with realistic sounds, and chase them)

*whenever you misspell a word (they can follow you around, screaming the correct spelling at you through a megaphone. A variety of hours are available)

*weddings (to stop the ceremony to proclaim all the tacky things in it, including the couple’s inclusion of a song by Miami Sound Machine at the reception. They’ll also fall on the ground laughing at the person who thinks they can dance but really looks like an electrocuted kangaroo)

If interested, please submit your resumes in the comments section of this website.  Looking for all who feel like they have a natural affinity for indecent responses. We can help mold your special gift into something more powerful than you ever imagined.