The 5: Chimp Reality Shows
While at a wedding recently, someone (I honestly can’t remember who, or I’d give them credit. Lets just say it was me) came up with a great idea for a reality show: Secret Marriage. A minister could secretly marry two people, animals, inanimate objects, etc and then the audience could see what hijinks ensue after they find out. Sounds good, right? Maybe there is a future for me in the TV biz.
So with this feather in my cap (don’t worry, I’ll give the other people who may have actually “thought up” this idea some small cut of royalties), I set about thinking of other ideas that would work. One catch: I knew I had to somehow incorporate that one thing which makes every situation funny. Yes, I am speaking again of chimps. I have mentioned before how anything that chimps do is hilarious, and how this has been scientifically proven. So with that in mind, I present the top 5 current reality shows that would benefit from spinning off into all chimp versions.
In no particular order:
1. The Bachelor/Bachelorette: Yes, the original version of this show is ludicrous enough to suggest you can pick a mate by spending 6 weeks with them while they compete against 24 other ambitious/desperate souls. Some of the moral ambiguity might be taken out if it was one male chimp trying to find his perfect mate out of 25 beautiful, single chimpanzees. Sure, in the end he might choose all 25 of them. His form of flirting might be to dive-bomb them from a tree. The challenges might involve some form of destroying various sets and occasionally biting a human. But it would all make for fascinating tv, and possibly, a match made in heaven.
2. The Biggest Loser-what is sadder than an overweight, unhappy human? That’s right, an overweight, unhappy chimp! Unable to run around to throw fruit/feces at others. Unable to swing from limbs. Something must be done. Wait til Bob and Jillian, the psycho trainers, get a hold of Bobo, the unmotivated chimp who is always looking for the easy way out (and a banana, or 50). The tension will be greater than the regular version of the show, for the simple fact that when the trainers yell at the contestants, the contestants might rip their arms off and beat them about the head with them.
3. American Idol-If the human auditions are cringe worthy, then imagine what kind of atrocious sounds you’ll get when you put a mic in a chimp’s hands. Sure, for every 5 chimps, there will be at least 2 or 3 that can skillfully carry a tune. But those remaining 2-3 will inevitably warble out some horrible rendition of “My Heart Will Go On”, or even worse, just scream uncontrollably for a minute straight, until they have to be escorted out of the room.
4. The Apprentice-I want to see chimps try to open a hat boutique in Times Square. I want to see chimps going on a Scavenger Hunt through lower Manhattan. I want to see chimps running amok through the Financial District. Make it happen, Donald Trump.
5. Top Chef- Sure, chimps can make us laugh. But can they cook a delicious gourmet meal without using fruits or vegetables? Can they delicately arouse the palate of the notoriously picky judges? Can they get along with each other in the house, as they deal with the stereotypical cast: the arrogant, off putting chimp; the chimp with the fauxhawk; the gay chimp; the naive, in over his head chimp. Which chimp will Padma favor the most?
