Captain D’s Conspiracy

“Eat my fish sticks or I’ll kill you!”

While driving past a Captain D’s restaurant the other day, I noticed that they were prominently featuring a red fish on the sign.  What is so alarming about that, you ask? Only that the red haired fisherman that was the official mascot of the fine fish establishment during my childhood is MIA.  What happened to him exactly? That is what this feature is about: getting to the bottom of his mysterious disappearance. 

Some people are claiming that he is still around, but I don’t buy it. This recent picture to me looks more like the Gordon’s Fisherman, and everyone knows he went on to a short lived film career in the I Know What You Did Last Summer movies (see picture above).  All attempts to talk to someone from the restaurant went unaswered.  No doubt employees were warned to remain tight lipped about the captain’s whereabouts, or else their fate would violently involve a deep fryer, tartar sauce, and malt vinagar sauce.

One logical question to ask: Is this a mainstream media movement to eradicate redheads from the social conscienceness? I haven’t seen Willie Nelson lately, and I’m sure commercials for Wendy’s would be more centered on her if Dave Thomas (RIP) was still alive.  And Carrot Top, who seemed so destined for superstardom, never really caught with all of America. Coincidence, or elaborate and widespread pigmentism?

Wherever he is, I hope that the Captain can feel all the good thoughts that are being sent his way.  Although I have not frequented his restaurant in the last few years, I have fond memories of the little crispy fragments at the bottom of the fish box.  May we all continue to keep our eyes open for suspicious activity (yes, we’re watching you, Long John Silver), and befriend all people, regardless of hair color.