Music Lovers Lingo

“I will cut you”

Recently, one of our staff received a cd in the mail, and proceded to smell it. We thought that everyone loved new cd smell, but when said staff member’s wife recoiled in horror/amazement/amusement, it was proved that not everyone does.  So we feel it is our duty to share some vocabulary or scenarios that music lovers and aficionados will relate to and appreciate. Enjoy

New CD smell: much like the glorious smell of a new car, music lovers are intoxicated by the smell of new liner notes. Mmmm…can’t you smell the lyrics and clever recognition of family members and friends?

Win/Loss song tally: this refers to the running tally of songs that are enjoyed vs. songs that are a definite miss or will have to be listened to again.  If the majority of the first 1/2 of the album is in the win column, the excitement in the air can be cut with a knife, wielded by Bryan Adams.

A ringer (referred to in this post of Random Ramblings): an album that does not have one bad song on it.  Happens about once every 86 years, give or take 80.

The Most Annoying Concert Goer in the World

Sorry sir. We like your music but you are guilty by association.

The staff of Random Ramblings went to the Atlanta John Mayer show, and we came into contact with The Most Annoying Concert Goer in the World.  We feel it is our duty to share with everyone the traits of this person, so that if you come into contact with her, you can do whatever you see fit early in the night, instead of enduring what we did for about 3 1/2 hours. 

The Most Annoying Concert Goer in the World (hereafter referred to as TMACGITW) is about 50 years old.

TMACGITW has absolutely no rhythm

TMACGITW likes to do a dance that approximates the running man, even when the song is a mid-tempo ballad

TMACGITW has all of John Mayer’s albums, but for some reason does not know one of the songs on those albums, and repeatedly asks “What is this on?”

TMACGITW has no volume control

TMACGITW thinks every song has to do with Jennifer Love Hewitt or Jennifer Aniston

A Thousand lbs of Salt in the Wound

 

“I’m afraid you did not clear the last hurdle.”

We at Random Ramblings were enjoying a lazy Sunday (no, not that kind), catching up with old friends, when the curious question was asked: if you can have friend requests on Facebook, why can’t you have enemy requests? We all know we have those people who we did not like in High School.  Why not just be up front about it and send them a formal request to be counted among their enemies? No more of pretending to be friends, just because you were in the same building with them for 4 years.  Good. Use your aggressive feelings, boy.  Let the hate flow through you. 

You have to wonder: would Cobra Commander friend Snake Eyes? I think not.  But Dark Helmet might friend Pizza the Hut, since they are both evil.  It’s a tricky thing, figuring out who your friends are, and who you need to pretend your friends are.

But this is not what we wanted to speak to you about today.  We are hear to congratulate American journalists for their performance during the Olympics.  Not only did we get a front row seat to see some athletes fail to achieve some goals, but we were able to witness them interviewed about said failure immediately after it happened!  Swiping aside the pesky rules of human decency, the interviewer cut to the chase and asked the athletes how they felt about their dissolving dreams, mere seconds after they were destroyed.  A sample of some of the brilliant questions:

“What happened?”

“What will you think back on and wish you had done differently?”

“You were so close to winning! What was going through your mind?”

A tight schedule prevented the interviews from going more in depth.  I know it was more Olympic coverage than ever before, but I would like to see it expanded so that we can spend a good 45 minutes to an hour dissecting the disappointment and utter despair the athletes are experiencing, and get their minute by minute feelings on it.  If an athlete spends 4 years or more training for something that lasts a few seconds or minutes, the least they can do is give us an hour or less to experience the complete heartbreak vicariously through them (minus the horrible feelings for us, of course!).  

Kudos, fellow journalists.  Don’t let people’s feelings get in the way of a good story.

Chad Johnson: Visionary

Since Michael Jackson proclaimed himself the King of Pop, us here at Random Ramblings proclaim ourselves the Kings of Pop Culture. We knew there had to be some good that would come out of all those years of reading Rolling Stone and Spin (countless Trivia victories, for example).  This love for useless knowledge has branched out now to listening to various podcasts, and it was in this way that we heard any interesting claim.  Chad Johnson, wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals, was being interviewed on Pardon the Interruption.  And he claimed that he knew inner city guys back home in Liberty City, FL that could destroy Michael Phelps, he of the 1,876 Gold Medals in Beijing.

Now, on first listen, we rejected this theory outright, since NFL wide receivers seem to feel like they are up there with God, Superman, and Billy Corgan (ok, ok, Superman is a little out of place in that list. Give us a break).  But we realized we have wondered the same thing: what if something amazing happened and we only had eyewitnesses and their word? It could be possible, although in the age of Youtube not very.  On quite a few trips to the beach with our good friend The National Evil, we have asked him the same question: what if a giant hand came out of the water, then immediately went back down? We would see it, and we both would know we had not imagined it, but no one else would believe us (but deep down we would not care, because that would be awesome).

The FULL Review

Are you swayed by the one line reviews on movie posters? Sure, they sound good, but I’m sure you’ve noticed that it is usually not a full sentence-it’s a partial sentence, and you don’t know what the rest of it said. Well, wonder no more. Below are the complete sentences-the parts they left off the posters are in bold.

The Mummy, Tomb of the Dragon Emperor: “The Best in the Series, which is not saying much, since all three movies are steaming piles of dung“; “It’s About as Good as a Summer Action, Thrill a Minute Adventure Movie Gets, so not very good“. 

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2: “Has You Laughing Out Loud at how horrible the story, acting, props, cinimatogrophy, and plot are“, “Sure to Please Women of All Ages who are fans of overdramatic, cheesy, awful movies“, “See it, so you can say that you were a witness to the movie that started the downfall of modern cinema“

Stepbrothers: “A Grown Up Comedy with a kid’s big heart, foul mouth, stupid ideas, and annoying chatter“

Kit Kittredge, American Girl: “Kit is sweet without being sappy, cute without being cloying, and horribly mediocre without being the worst movie ever made“

Easy Solutions

 

People sometimes worry about the smallest things.  Meanwhile, us at Random Ramblings realize that some things are easily solved by using some common sense.  So here we present some easy solutions to things that people seem to be fretting over recently. 

*The air quality of Beijing is a hot topic, with the Olympics currently underway.  Athletes are concerned about performing to the best of their ability, with all kinds of toxins flowing through their lungs. The Chinese are of course known for their technological savvy (did you see the opening ceremonies? if those 2,008 drummers started a band, they could make millions.  Too bad they’d have to sell 20 trillion cd’s to even remotely make a profit, with all those members. Plus, band photos might be a problem).  Easy Solution: construct a giant fan to blow away all the smog (if the spaceballs can make Mega Maid with her giant vacuum, surely the Chinese can complete this task). 

*Continuing with the Olympic theme, lets say the giant fan for some reason does not get completed in time.  Ok, we’ll move on to Plan B. Easy Solution: surgically insert air filters into each athletes lungs, so that dirty air comes in, but is filtered of all impurities.  This would be an easy procedure (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve surgically put something into my own lungs accidentally!) and is surely doable with only a few thousand athletes competing. 

*Global warming is claimed to be the biggest concern of the future.  Easy Solution: put all of our financial resources into producing more ice (not just some of our resources. ALL). Dump aforementioned ice in the current “hot spots”. Take temperature. Keep adding ice until cool enough. Problem solved. We’ll figure out the funding for education, health care, the military, and all those other pesky issues later. 

*everyone keeps talking about the economy being in such rough shape, people aren’t spending money, etc. Easy Solution:  more money, allow “counterfeit weekends” (much like tax free weekends, except you can use counterfeit bills and it’s ok) or just make more things free.  Duh. 

These are some pretty good ideas, and I devoted all of 5 minutes to thinking of them.  I’m sure if you give 5 more minutes, I can solve more of the worlds problems. Just not right now. I’m busy.

Jack Handey for President

 

 I was listening to the Sound of Young America podcast, as I do from time to time, and the guest was Jack Handey.  I should preface this by saying I’ve been a fan of Mr. Handey for some time.  He is of course known mostly by his Deep Thoughts, those little slices of brilliance that aired on Saturday Night Live (My favorite: “If you knew two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins? I’d guess Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone”).  I remember watching in the early 90’s, when you didn’t dare miss any skit, even the ones at the end of the show.  They would air several Deep Thoughts, which would inevitably leave me howling with laughter.  

   I was not prepared, however, to find out just how many other hilarious skits he was responsible for.  Case in point: Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, pictured above.  Second case in point: Toonces the Driving Cat. Nothing you ever come up with will even remotely be as funny as those two skits.  He also was responsible for amazing pseudo products like “Big Fat Beans…when you don’t want to have to eat a bunch of little beans.”

After realizing he was responsible for so many of my favorite parts of SNL during what I consider the best years of the show, I came to a startling realization: this is the man that I want to lead our country.  Yes, I believe Jack Handey is clearly the best choice to become the next leader of the most powerful country in the world. Will he support a tax increase? I don’t know. What is his stance on education? I don’t care. All I know is that I need a candidate that will make me laugh and forget about how stupid politics are.

Lyrics 101: All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You

In this installment of Lyrics 101, we are going to analyze a song from the classic era of Heart. Barracuda, you say? Crazy on you? No, we’re going to analyze “All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You”, from the 1990 album Brigade. Ok, so it was not their finest hour. But I think you will see that these in depth lyrics tell quite the story. Now don’t worry: this continues to be a family publication, so we promise not to get risque with our analysis.  We will keep it on the PG side. 

Like many stories, this one starts in inclement weather: “It was a rainy night when he came into sight, standing by the road, no umbrella, no coat. So I pulled up along side, and I offered him a ride, he accepted with a smile, and we drove for awhile”.  Apparently, no one told Anne Wilson that no only is hitchhiking illegal, but it is dangerous. We are lucky that she was not killed, or else we would not have heard “These Dreams” performed live in all it’s keyboard glory.

“I didn’t ask him his name, this lonely boy in the rain, fate tell me it’s right, is this love at first sight, please don’t make it wrong, just stay for the night”.  Whoa, there, Anne.  You just met this guy, you don’t mention anything about actually talking to him, you don’t know his name, and now you want to stay the night with him? Who’s the barracuda now?

The Greatest Ever

It is hard to find perfection. Sure, this blog dabbles in it on a regular basis, but otherwise life is sometimes a fruitless search for those things that are perfect from head to toe.  So it is in the world of music, but sometimes you do come across albums that are spotless from the first song to the last. 

John Sellers , in his excellent book Perfect From Now On (which we are reading now), calls them “dingers”: albums that lack a song that you tire of in five plays or fewer.  Among his list are Guns N’ Roses: Appetite for Destruction, The Shins: Chutes Too Narrow, U2: The Joshua Tree, and The Strokes,  Is This It.  I’m not sure about the five plays or fewer, so I’m focusing on albums I like every single song on.  This is quite a tough list to make.  Some albums have 12 awesome songs, but one clunker that I never really fully liked. Or I might actually like that one oddball song, but not enough to count the album as “perfect”. Those that almost make the cut, with the song that prevented them: 

The Beatles: Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band (Within You, Without You)

Led Zeppelin: Houses of the Holy (No Quarter)

Foo Fighters: Foo Fighters (Exhausted)

Nirvana: Nevermind (Something in the Way)

Pearl Jam: Ten (Why Go)

And now, without further ado, are the albums on which I like every single song:

The 5: Best Power Ballads of the 80’s

Some lists are merely lists. Others are sacred and priceless, like this one.  Welcome to the next installment of The 5, and this one is quite near and dear to our hearts.  We will examine the sensitive side of rock, the softer part of every rocker, the part of every bad boy that only his wild woman gets to see: the Power Ballad.  

Having to narrow it down to only 5 selections is like trying to pick your favorite appendage.  You love them all for different reasons.  But just like you sometimes have to cut off one of your limbs, so too did I have to cut away some that just did not make the…cut.  Sorry.  So honorable mentions go to: Scorpions, Wind of Change (political power ballad), Tesla, Love Song (”you’ll be ok, baby” power ballad),Def Leppard,  Love Bites (”lovin’ you is a painful thing” power ballad), and Whitesnake,  Is This Love (”what is this crazy thing I’m feeling” power ballad).  

So here, with an acoustic build up and electric finish, is the list, in descending order.

5.  Poison, Every Rose Has its Thorn:  a forlorn tale of love gone sour.  Bret Michaels fills us in on how he and his girl have drifted apart, and CC Deville drives the nail deeper into his heart with his piercing solo.  I wish I could have told Bret back in 1988 “Don’t worry, man. In about 20 years you’ll have your own tv show and 20 skanks to keep you company and make you feel better”.

4.  Heaven, Warrant: ah, the bittersweet memories of days gone by. Jani Lane takes a stroll down memory…lane (dang it, I did it again) and knows it will all be ok as long as he has his girl.  Quite the clever double meaning, as this can also be interpreted as a love letter to the fans. But then, any band that would later pen a song called “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” definitely had some brains.